Monday, 28 March 2016
Another Crap Day In The Life Of Tillys Mummy! Coping With Out Loved Ones On Special Occasions
So another special day passes without my daughter and grandaughter involved in our lives, I know one day it will get easier, but for the moment it is still hurts like hell and I just wish that people would get that! Yesterday seemed to be a day for kicking Vicky whilst she was down! and I am struggling to cope with the day to day things in life, without having to cope with crap from other people.
I have to cope with the fact that my daughter is God knows where under the brain wash of a convicted paedophile, and my grandaughter is preparing to spend the rest of her life with a new forever family to protect her from Nathan Green.. I know I am still grieving for this child and it isn't something that can be switched off. People say 'Oh she is going to be so much safer with her adopted family' or 'Its for the best' but I just want to scream 'ACTUALLY, THE BEST WOULD BE IF THEY WERE BOTH HOME WITH ME!', but I smile politely and move on, because that's what everyone expects me to do. Grieving for someone is that hasn't actually died is the worst thing because you know they are out there, you just don't know where! you know they are caught up in evil but you can't do anything to stop it. I know that If I was to go to Bromsgrove (The area I know my daughter is in) then I would actually harm the paedophile that has my daughter. I know all the anger, the hurt and the resentment will spill out and I will find myself in trouble. So the best way I can hurt him is with words.
So yes! I do need to man up a bit! I do need to start looking forward, but it is so hard when there is so much unfinished business in the past that is holding you back.
Yesterday I made a throw away comment on Facebook about 'National Who Can Give Their Kids The Most Eggs And Take Pictures For Facebook Day' It was my twisted sarcasm and I actually thought it was funny! I had made an Easter hamper with three small Easter eggs, a box of Dairy Milk, a family pack of Maltesers and 2 mini board games. This was enough I thought for my family. BUT little did I know, this status actually nearly started a world war! My status was certainly the talking point of the day! Normally I delete the posts that seem to upset people but I left this one up - a debate is always good! but then I went through my friend list and had a good tidy up, I deleted many people that I don't really chat to on Facebook, and I never get to see the stuff from my other friends, my real life ones because my newsfeed is full of other peoples news. I am missing friends birthdays because I never notice them on my newsfeed. I know friendships are forged on Facebook and I have some people that I have known on here for many years and almost feel like part of their family. But others just basically stress me out with the way they constantly criticize the things I do. I have had a really stressful time of it recently and I have removed a few people that haven't made it easy, but I was not ready for the backlash from one person! but it goes to show I have made the right decision in removing them from my private page. Fakebook is so stressful sometimes!!!
Hopefully things will get better as a little family because I can't cope with this broken heart for much longer. You know the Rose that the beast owns in Beauty and The Beast? The one that is dying every time it loses a petal? That is me! That is my life and that symbolises how I am dying every day. But I can put on a brave face, I can fake a smile and a laugh, because that is me and I have become an expert in fakeness. I know one day things will get easier - but in the mean time its hard to cope with so if I offend you or upset you, it really isn't me. Its my coping mechanism and I hate myself for it, but its me and its how I am coping. I just wish others would help make things easier with the coping of day to day things. Surely its not too much to ask?