Nathan Green (his name gets stuck in my throat as I say it) I had to think about the kids I do have at home still. I had to put all the tiny bit of energy I have into making Christmas a good time for them. To say it was a struggle was an understatement! I hated Christmas this year, I was determined to make it good for Tilly and I think we got it right there.
I had a little bit of a wobble before Christmas, I wrote a blog post about spotting the signs of a paedophile grooming your child and BAM it hit me like a brick wall, how could I have missed all the signs. This sent me into a mini melt down and suddenly I could hear Social Services saying to me 'You're putting your family at risk by writing a blog' and someone else saying 'How do you really know who I am? I could be grooming you?' Social Services not telling me the extent of the crimes involved with my grand daughter and simply leaving me to find out in the newspaper. Not once did they bother to contact me to check my family were coping. I guess their duty of care only extends to people actually involved in the case, not the other victims in the case, the ones left to clear up the mess and hold the rest of the family together again. Social Services had said that they feared I would have a Bipolar breakdown if I cared for my grand daughter but in reality, they never supported us what so ever and in my opinion even contributed to a lot of our family stress as we learned to deal with the fall out - Yes that's right Social Services, we muddled through without you, we cried together, we screamed together and we talked about it together. Social Services have failed us as a family big time. I am not saying all Social Service teams are the same, but this one in particular knows who they are as they are readers of the blog.
Anyway my little 'wobble' before Christmas caused me to push special people away from my life, I had a row with someone close to me because I asked a question and didn't get the answer I was looking for, This fed my depression and made me wonder who I could actually trust. I struggled at work, I struggled at home and I struggled to find the happy me again.
Over Christmas I had to make sure Tilly was happy, I was aware that she was sad at the fact her older sister wasn't going to be there at Christmas, and needed to over compensate in my head. I cuddled her when she cried for her sister, Sat with her when she phoned her and asked her to come home. Cried myself when Tilly did a picture for her sister and the sister refused to share her address so Tilly could send it. Instead we stuck it on the wall until her sister comes home. We have protected Tilly from all of this as much as we can, we explained it to her as much as a five year old will understand.
So I struggled through the Christmas and New year period, so many people looked forward to starting a new year and I personally got fed up of seeing the statuses like 'New year, new me' because I couldn't get my head around the fact that people think one day is going to change their life forever. But as we wake up to the second day of the New Year, I realise that actually 'New year, new me' does mean me too. You see, I know now that everything happens for a reason. What has happened to us has destroyed us, it has put a strain on my little family. Kimmy won't speak to her dad (my ex-husband), He has refused to work together to help us bring my other daughter home, he refused to even let us know that Nathan Green was a paedophile when he found out in March last year - instead he left us to find our almost 5 months later. He didn't care that my own 5 year old could have been at risk of this evil paedophile. I have entered the new year with resentment, hate and seeking justice. I realise that this has changed me and I am entering the new year as a different person to what I was last year and I am going to turn it into something positive, I am going to carry on writing about internet grooming, because if it can help one family avoid the things we went through, then I will feel a sense of achievement. I will also be working towards getting more signatures on the petition to get Nathan Green jailed for the crimes he commited. You can sign the petition here and please share it. If it protects one person from him, then my work here is done. I have bridges to rebuild, but I am doing it with fresh enthusiasm (well for today anyway)
So in the words of every other social media user - NEW YEAR, NEW ME!
*As always these are my own thoughts and feeling, nobody has the permission to copy them or use them without my permission*