Sometimes I wonder what kind of parent Tilly I am.
When I had the older children, we lived in a small village in the middle of no-where and as I don't drive, we were stranded at the weekends. So I was a bit of an earth mother, i suppose. We would go for long walks in the country and climb over styles to get to places. We would spend afternoons baking cakes together and walk miles to a car boot sale to buy the kids a treat on a sunday. As they got older, I suppose I got out of the habit as they got older. By the time little Miss Tilly was born It was as if I had forgotten to be that kind of mummy.
This time round I am a working Mummy and it does make all the difference, I am too tired at the weekends and going for a long walk in the countryside is the last thing I want to do. As for baking - What's baking?
This time round, I am not even sure what kind of mother I am! I think Dysfunctional mummy suits me!
With the Bipolar diagnosis after Tilly was born, I feel that it sways the way I bring Tilly up. Sometime there are days when I am so low and sad, that I cant see a way to get out of bed. I mean what must she think of me? Does she understand why I feel like this? does she just think I am being lazy or even worse does she think its her fault I am feeling like this? She has asked me a few times if she makes me sad or angry. I have to explain to her that she doesnt and could never make me sad or angry.
Then when I am on a high, I do the most amazing things with her. It can mean a last minute trip to London going at 8AM and coming home at 10PM. Or it could be a last minute weekend away, She comes on Press trips with me and quite often on a school night, I think nothing about keeping her up past bedtime, after all there is more to life than sticking to the rules!
With Tilly I don't worry about schooling so much, yes its important but I believe that life experiences can be just as important for her. Tilly has had loads of life experiences already for being a 5 year old, they are so different to the older kids who had life experience that were more natural and environmental. Tillys experiences are more city based and faster based. She is more at home in the city than she is at home in a small seaside town.
So will she grow up with a different attitude to life? will she grow up wanting a fast paced life? Does she secretly crave a quieter life? Have I created a child who is happy to be dragged from pillar to post as the wind takes us to random places?
As a mother, I think you always doubt your parenting skills, I often see my friends on facebook putting kids to bed at 7pm and I have the greatest admiration for them because I was that mum once and if I did put Tilly to bed at 7pm, then I would have the whole evening to be me :)
What kind of parent are you?