Thursday, 26 March 2015

Being a Prozac Mum

I hate Anti-depressants, in fact I despise them so much! so why did I come to be a prozac mum? I wrote a little about how i was feeling and posted it the other day. The post can be found here and it kind of gives you the reasons why I was struggling so much recently.

But here I am a month into the Tablets and I feel like I am living on another planet! The reason i dont agree with Anti-depressents is that they mask the problem, they dont help you deal with it, like a councillor would. All too many times I have seen friends taking Anti-depressants and they suddenly feel better after a few weeks, then stop taking them - but the feeling better isnt real is it? it is the medication in the tablets adjusting your brain chemistry to make you feel better. As soon as you stop taking the tablets, your back down in the deep dark hole that you were a few weeks ago. But here I am going completely against my own principles by taking the damn medication!


People keep saying to me, ‘Wow Vicky, you look so much better’ or ‘Vicky, you look really well’ but i just want to scream at them and say ‘ITS NOT REAL’ the tablets put on an illusion making everything seem so much better! They say people with depression make the best liars because they can infact hide how they really feel. So here I am with the help of a medical proffessional creating an illusion that everything is all ok in the life of Vicky, When infact if you take away my safety net of the tablets everything will collapse in my life - So no, I am not much better, I am dealing with things much easier and I am able to cope with what life throws at me but I am in no way better!

On the surface, I look all happy and yes I do feel happier at the moment but this medication is making my memory worse! this morning i got up for work and completely forgot to Tell Kimmy that I was a 7.30 start at work! This then creates tension within our little family unit and causes upset as it completey throws other peoples routines out, all because i forgot to ask ‘Can you please drop Tilly at Eileens’. I am so forgetful, people are asking me to do simple tasks and within minutes I am forgetting what they have asked. My mind is going ten to the dozen and people seem to be going to slow for me, of course I understand that they are not, But you know when you see someone on TV walking in really slow motion? that is how my mind is seeing things at the moment - Yes it annoys me, because afterall my brain is telling me they are slow and we all know there is nothing worse than slow walking people (even though they are not walking slowly really) …….. are you still with me? or did I lose you to my ramblings? Welcome to the world of Vicky!

Sometimes I really miss the depressed me, It was part of me for so long over the past few years, It made me stronger and it made me who I am today. Having all my feelings and emotions out on show like they were made me more of an honest person. It helped me to write my blog posts and to be honest, for a few weeks after starting the medication, I developed a fear that I had forgotten how to write! ‘Oh its only writers block’ they said ‘You will get over it’ but when you open a laptop and your still looking at that same blank screen an hour later, makes you feel a big fat failure! I actually thought I would never write again and writing is how I express my feelings and how I ‘document’ our life! Next time someone says they can't do something that they have been doing for years, please don't dismiss it as there maybe something deep rooted that they are not telling you. Don't treat them like they are stupid and question how they could have forgotten something! Confidence is so easily ripped away from a person and it destroys a part of you!

As for now, I am going against my principles and sticking as a prozac mummy, because having a 5 year old at home, its easier to mask the 'problems' than to let her see them. It is protecting my little girl from the down side of Bipolar and we protect our kids until the end of the earth.

As for now, I am going against my principles and sticking as a prozac mummy, because having a 5 year old at home, its easier to mask the 'problems' than to let her see them. It is protecting my little girl from the down side of Bipolar and we protect our kids until the end of the earth. But for now, I am off to fill my prescription…….

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