When i took the decision to book some time off so that I could help Tilly with her transition from Nursery and being mummies baby to being a big girl and starting school, i think i had this almost perfect romanticism about it being the perfect time for the two of us. a time for us to get to know each other again as mummy and daughter. A time for us to stop and breathe and actually remember the important things in life again, like being together.
How wrong could a mother be? When you go to work, you work as a team to get things done, you are an individual, your own person and you go to work and the nursery or the childminder/nanny keeps your child entertained through the days. Being a SAHM you have no back up from your colleagues, there is nobody to whisper in your ear and tell you your doing things right ....... or wrong! You have to entertain your child all day long and you have to give in to their every whim. Being a SAHM you have to get the craft stuff out and try and spend the day keeping your child from dozing.
So when i took the parental leave from work, i found that the first few days were bliss. It was the weekend so really there was no difference in me being home, but on Monday when Tilly got fretful about going to nursery again I was relieved to tell her she didn't go anymore and i was rewarded with the biggest cuddle and the widest eyes.
We spent a couple of days where we just walked into town, we went shopping together, we went to the seafront and had ice cream - Tilly told everyone that would listen that i was her mummy and she didn't have to go to school anymore because i was looking after her. By friday it had all kind of worn off a bit and i was even more tired than when i went to work (and i commute to work everyday!) But all too soon we had the weekend again
It was bliss to start with because all the other local kids had gone back to school or had started school, yet Tillys new school didn't start until the middle of next week. I revelled in the fact i still had my baby at home - until the boredom hit in for her!
By thursday i was begging m y boss to let me come back to work, i had started to think that maybe i really wasn't cut out to be a SAHM 24/7 and i was supposed to be Vicky the fragrance sales assistant and i had just been having some kind of identity crisis! SAHMs are supposed to be some kind of earth mother, Mothers who sit and teach their children to read, mothers who can often be Stepford wives and have such perfect clean homes whilst my child trashes every room in sight! I NEED TO GO TO WORK!
I had to get up on Monday to take Tilly to her school for a stay and play session, Am i the only one ever to say this out loud but I hated every moment of it! it really isn't my idea of fun and i could see all the school gate cliques forming, all the SAHM’s who knew each other from nursery school. Tilly was lucky if the same person picked her up from nursery, two days in a row! I actually felt like a fish out of water and i realised then that my time as a SAHM had finished a long time ago and i was best suited as Fragrance Vicky!
So this week i had to go into work on the Monday, it was a relief that i didn't have to stay at the school for long, I have put three kids through school before and i remember school gate politics so well! I get to work and my boss isn't there :( she has become almost a best friend to me and she has been there all through my illness and helped me work through the bad times, never letting me quite! Well she wasn't there, I went to work and I just wanted to cry, i felt like i didn't belong there, i felt like i needed to be at home with my child OMG I WAS HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS! I actually went home and made the decision to quit. I went away for a couple of days for work and then took Tilly to school for her morning and i actually got called Tillys grandma by the lollipop lady! i had always had a fear that i would be the oldest mum at the school gates and it seemed to be proving true!
Tilly had to start full time days, so off to school we went i was worried about every little detail of the day ahead for her. Would she eat her dinner? would she get upset and having to eat food without tomato ketchup. Would she want an afternoon nap? i was so worried about the whole school process!
I am really not sure why i was so worried as she had no fears and by friday when Kimmy told her she could have the weekend off and not have to go to school for a few days - she simply burst into tears! I think she loves school and all my worries have melted away. Of course there are going to be the moments when i fret about her going to school.
But as week 5 started, i had to return to work! i was in two minds as to whether i really wanted to go back to work, but i did it as the thought of being a SAHM makes me feel paralyzed with Fear!! I wont be handing my notice in anytime soon!