I know i am heading towards a downer, and more often than not, they hit me really hard! The reason i know is because i woke up this morning thinking 'Oh No, i have to face another day'. When i feel like this, it is really hard to pick myself up, and its hard for others to understand how i feel. So i always get through my downers by myself. This time i wondered if i would cope with it better if i shared it.
I am constantly tired and i never seem to go out at the weekend as it often feels so much like an effort to get ready to go out when i have no energy, Meaning i am losing my own identity, it often feels like i am losing touch with my friends and to be honest, the weekends are the time i get to spend with Tilly, so i dont often want to have to share the time with anyone else.
I feel like i am a failure in all aspects of my life at the moment, i am constantly worrying about everything, money, Debt, being a good mum, getting things right at work, getting to work on time, getting home on time, keeping in touch with my family and friends, my family and friends thinking i am ignoring them, my Bi-polar, My hair!, My neighbour complaining about everything as she is a bitch, my friends going through a bad time, Not sleeping at night, My daughter living on her own, My son in another country i even worry about my flipping blog.
Today i had a day when i wished i could give it all up, quit my job and just spend time with people that mean the most to me. But that isnt going to help many of the things i worry about is it? I am so lucky at work as my boss has known me since i had Tilly and knows how i feel at times. Today i was a bit tearful when i got to work and she had a chat with me and i instantly felt a bit better, we had a bit of a laugh and for a while everything is forgotten. She knows i wont quit my job as i love working there - afterall who wouldnt enjoy working on a fragrance counter? All that perfume to wear.
My day is busy and tiring and this is what it consists of
- Waking up,
- Getting Tilly ready for school,
- Doing a few jobs around the house,
- Doing the school run
- Getting jobs done in town and/or a food shop
- Getting the 1 hour 10 minutes bus ride to work (yes, i chose to work out of town, but its where the work is, and its what i love doing)
- do supermarket shop to get something for dinner
- Doing a days work
- The commute home again (on a late shift, i have the added worry of hoping my buses connect with each other, i have one minute between the folkestone bus getting in and the other bus leaving. If the folkestone bus gets in late, then i miss the other bus and its the last bus home!)
- Coming home to a tired pre-school child.
- Being too tired to eat a meal
- Doing a bit of work on the blog (which in itself is an additional part time job)
- Being in bed by 9pm and asleep
- Being woken up through the night by Tilly going to the toilet, getting in bed, crying out
- then getting up early the next morning to start the whole process again!
sometimes it feels like its the same thing over and over again, it feels like groundhog day, i just want to break the cycle. I am jealous of people who have nothing better to do than sit outside coffee shops all day and chat to their friends, the people who do lunch, the people who can do the school drop off and the school pick up, The people who are lucky enough to stay home and watch their children grow up. the people who spend the holidays taking days out with their kids and the people who see their kids accomplishments everyday. I feel like a part time parent and i know it isnt good enough. But i know i do it for my family so that we can afford holidays, days out, good food. Other days i feel like i am doing it to pay the nursery bill.
I do love my job, i chose to work in Folkestone and i work with some great people and i know i am good at my job. I know i dont want to quit, but today everything is a struggle. I am so good at putting on a face that looks like i am happy and i dont have a care in the world, but people can look like this and have the weight of the world on their shoulders.
Because i am so tired I am struggling with my blog, i cant think straight enough to write a decent blog post, i feel like i have lost my mojo. My blog has become such a big part of my life now and i actually panic if i havent done atleast 2 posts a day - i think i actually may have developed some kind of addiction!!
I also feel at the moment that there isnt enough of me to go around, everyone wants a part of me and i just dont have the energy, the enthusiasm or the motivation to do this! so here i am a failure as a friend too. I know people say that friends understand but do they really? unless you live with bipolar, you dont understand it.
So this is how i feel today :(