Saturday, 15 February 2014

The painful part of being a parent

When your baby is little you struggle with 2am feeds, endless nappies, colic, crying, terrible twos........ the end is listless, but you think to yourself 'it will get easier!'

Sadly it doesnt always happen!

One of my children had everything as she was growing up, she was with a modelling agency and had assignments for magazines and newspapers as well as tv work. It was an amazing time for her. She became a carnival princess and had everything you could ever want at the age of 6, 7 and 8. Then I decided that she needed to concentrate on her schooling and also that it wasnt fair on my other two children that she had most of my attention, so we gave it up and i said she could choose to go back to it when she was older. When she got to secondary school she found it incredibly hard to grow up and was the victim of bullys. The school was an all girls grammer  school in Dover and Bullying was often swept under the carpet and hidden as it was never mentioned. Kimmy had also gone to the same school but as she just kept her head down and got on with her work, they never really bothered her, but Beth is feisty and she would fight back, therefore encouraging them to bully her more.

Beth started to do some unforgivable things whilst at school and she started to steal from her friends - i was horrified, but lets face it! it happens in school. I was struggling financially and I  was having to replace the items. In this time She got very violent at home and attacked Kimmy, I had to stand by and support both my girls. One as she reported the incident to the police and one daughter as she got taken to the polivce station, had her DNA taken and was cautioned by the police.

At this time i found out i was pregnant with Twins, It seemed to pull our family together and we started to gel together again. unfortunatly one of the babies died at about 8 weeks gestation and i succeeded in carrying Tilly to full term. But still the stress didnt stop there, when i was 9 months pregnant, Beth decided she had enough of the bullying and wanted to move school. She thought if she moved school then all her problems and history would go away - unfortunatly it follows you and i had to make her new school aware of the 'problems' she had.

After i had Tilly, our family unit seemed to become close again although (through her own admittance) Beth was jealous of her baby sister and it wasnt until she was a year old that she felt a bond with Tilly. We plodded on with our lives, our severley over crowded house untill about a year ago when things went down hill very fast again, and things started to go missing, her attitude started to stink! she would scream and shout at everyone, feel like she owned the place. and all this time i continued to support her as any mother would. She couldnt hold down a job, she was getting into trouble at college and nearly got arrested. And still i carried on supporting her ........ Untill November, when i was sick of the swearing at me, sick of the way she was talking to her siblings, sick of the blame she imposed on me. I actually told her to buck up her ideas and left a bag on the doorstep. I thought she would sort herself out, but after 3 nights of sofa surfing she was asking my friends if she could sleep on their sofas, putting them in an awkward position. So i told her to come home.

Obviously this meant she could play on my emotions and she knew she could treat us as she wished and i wouldnt ask her to leave as it was so hard ...... then the inevitable happened and she put Tilly in danger by leaving a glass of vodka and coke lying around, Tilly is always picking up peoples drinks and drinking them and she could so easily of drank this drink that was a very strong vodka and coke. - her excuse? she didnt do it! it was the last straw and she was told to go onto the council list and find somewhere else to live. She still smirked everytime i told her this as she knew deep down i couldn't do it! Still more occasions continued where Tillys well being was put at risk and she was stopped from doing school runs with Tilly, something i know killed her a bit inside. She was never allowed to be alone with Tilly. Beth became more and more spiteful, she kept taking people things at home and using them and breaking them, she was forever swearing at me and being pure evil. She wouldn't help out at home with jobs and she wouldn't help out financially, even when we had no gas last week and tilly was suffering from a cold! I had to borrow money for the gas meter :(.

In December i went back to work, this meant a commute to another town and it means that i am out the house from before 9am till 5pm four days a week. Although i love my job, I was criticized for it by beth,  I had no support from her and i was struggling with The feeling of guilt i was suffering by putting Tilly into childcare, so i would buy her little presents (from pound-land or a bag of sweets) and this made the green eyed monster emerge again and in a jealous spat she told me off for never buying her things. I tried to explain how guilty i felt at leaving Tilly in Childcare and she didn't care, all she wanted was a gift all the time!

A friend tried to talk to her and all she got was a pack of lies saying her problems only started when i developed PND, after i had Tilly. This was a blatant lie and i am assuming it was said as a kick in the teeth for me! She also said she never had a good childhood and she would of loved the things others had, The fact she did her modelling and we travelled all over the world on holidays to places like Jamaica, New York, Lapland, Backpacking around Europe ...... she had more than a normal childhood and i know i gave her and her siblings as much as i could - so no i refused to be the blame for her problems

This last week after she put Tillys health at risk once again, i asked her to sort herself out or she would have to leave. once again she smirked and said 'no you wont kick me out, you will take me back' this was the final straw and i finally told her to leave my house. This was Thursday morning. She did nothing to help herself or find somewhere to stay, and by Thursday night she hadn't even made an effort to look for accommodation and messaged a friend to ask if she could stay there. The next morning my friend took her to the council and they have homed her in a bed and breakfast and now she is on her own. She will need to grow up and she will find out the financial worries i have faced for years, as she will be facing them now. She will now have to feed, clothe and pay her own way in life. Do i feel like a failure as a mum? yes, Do i think i have done the right thing by letting her support herself? Yes, Did i enjoy kicking my daughter out? No, because it hurts like hell that she wont even speak to me, and if she sends a text - its all verbal abuse! Do i think i will take her back this time? No, she needs to do a lot of learning, she needs to learn respect for others, she needs to learn to stop stealing and she needs to grow up and realise people aren't here to run around after her for the rest of her life. In time i know our relationship will rebuild, but in the meantime its a relief to not live in a hostile house (if it had been a partner, i would of kicked them out 6 months ago, but as it was my child i tried as much as i could)

My daughter has cut herself off from her siblings, me and her friends. I really hope that she will learn her lesson very soon and come back to being a sister, daughter and friend to those in her life!

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